People often accuse vegans of being preachy.
Therefore, I only think it’s fair to live up to the stereotype we are given. So, as the pastor of the Thirteenth Day Evangelist Vegans of Peterborough, I have taken it upon myself to issue the Ten Commandments of the vegan faith for all to adhere to follow.
- Thou Shalt not kill: Anything, ever.
This is the most basic of the vegan commandments. It is the founding principle of veganism, it is the point of veganism and it is the basic philosophy of a compassionate lifestyle. And no we don’t kill plants, they don’t have a central nervous system, you heathen buffoon.
- Thou shalt spread the gospel of veganism.
Yes ,my brothers and sisters, it is our duty to spread compassion wherever we go. Just as carnists bombard us with adverts of the cult of flesh eating, we will respond in kind.
- Thou shalt not turn the other cheek to animal abuse.
Our creatures need you fellow vegans. The planet is under attack from hunters, vivisectionists and butchers and who will speak out for the animals if we don’t?
- Thou shalt not steal – the milk and eggs of another species.
I mean, that’s just perverted right? And stealing baby calves from mummy dairy cow is just sick. We are not thieves and murderers, brothers and sisters, we are members of the higher ordinance of vegans.
- Thou shalt honour the father and mother of all living things.
Don’t make a mother cry by hunting her fox cub, killing her calf or separating a family of sheep – that’s just a weird thing to do.
- Thou shalt covet thy fellow vegan’s dinner.
That’s what Facebook is for my vegan friends – posting pictures of your dinner to make fellow vegans jealous – and hopefully convert a few non-believers in the process.
- Thou shalt not bear false witness by saying a product is vegan when it isn’t.
This just gets people’s hopes up and starts unnecessary online rows – so don’t do it brothers and sisters, it’s just annoying.
- Thou shalt not bow to the false Gods of vegetarianism and pescetarianism (not to be confused with Presbyterianism, which is alright).
Being vegan is the only true compassionate diet – the other two are merely baby steps on the path to divine righteousness.
- Thou shalt honour the World Vegan Day
– by mentioning it in every other post on Facebook relentlessly for two weeks before the day that is, for us, a day like any other day in the compassionate world of veganism. This should not be confused with Meat Free Mondays, which is an evil sent by the great Satan Omnivore to test our resolve.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery with a non-vegan.
I mean, they put dead animals in their mouths – would you really want to kiss that? Hardly attractive now is it?